6. Try Harder to be Nicer to a Certain Someone

Completed: 10/16/2012

Courtesy of Website

Oh how powerful the mind can be. Before I decided to put this item on my bucket list, I seriously dreaded making any conversation with this person. What happened was, I had to ask for this person's assistance on something I had to take care of on a regular basis, but we would clash and so the outcome of our interactions often left each other in an unpleasant mood. Being an avoider of conflict, my method of dealing with such a situation left me frustrated, which I did not communicate so instead led to pent-up negativity. It came to a point where I would avoid any communication with this person at all costs, except for pleasantries and what was necessary to complete tasks that needed to be done.

For a while, I noticed that I would make conversations with everyone else around me and that I specifically avoided her. There were instances where she would try to strike up a conversation with me, but I would not give in and would instead respond with one-word conversation killers. I think it got to a point where she became conscious of my exclusion of her from personal conversations, but she didn't say anything about it.

It would have been fine to continue this kind of relationship with this person, but as I came up with my list of bucket items, I got to thinking about some personal improvement-focused goals. This almost instantly came to my mind. My awareness of this issue and choice to continue to allow it to continue in this unhealthy manner was pressing on my conscious. I mean, how long could I hold a grudge? And seriously, it was over something that isn't that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. Sure it's not easy to be treated with hostility, but if I tried to be the bigger person and more understanding in her shoes, I would realize that the attacks were on the situation and not me. If I could just remember to see it that way, then it would be a totally cinch to let it go and get over it.

So after this was written on my list, I decided it would be on the first ones that I would complete. The growing internal frustration that took about a year to accumulate from every negative encounter sort of rolled off my shoulders when I decided to not let this passively control me in a way I had allowed it to all this time and do something about it.

It started with a small compliment here and there, where what she did didn't go unnoticed. Then a conversation grew out of one of those compliments, and it was satisfying to see how animated she could be getting off on a subject that's related to one of her passions. Sometimes she'd generate the small talk so that was definitely a sign of improvement.

But came the real test. Every now and then, we did have to get to talking about those dreaded tasks that we butted heads on. Before, I would always come into the conversation with trepidation, preparing to get upset by conversation's end. Recently though, I've been proven wrong on several occasions, a pattern that I realize in hindsight that I overlooked since it kind of started on this path of improvement before I made this bucket list decision. This then got me thinking about why I kept assuming that things would stay bad when it really wasn't as horrible as I made it out to be for myself? Silly me and my mindset.

Today, I decided that I could officially cross this off my list because she came to me, trying to make conversation. I greeted the opportunity with enthusiasm, carrying out our conversation for quite a while (even picking up after a potential conversation-ending interruption). We laughed out loud (literally), which isn't common for just her and me. It's a much nicer feeling to be on better terms with someone who you would previously thought you could never get along with. Not like we're buddy-buddy like the panda picture above, but certainly on better ground than a few month's back.

 

In sum, here are a few key lessons I learned from this experience:

-The mind is quite a mighty tool. It has the ability to allow us to accomplish incredible things, and, yet just as easily, set us back from all the incredible things we are capable of achieving.

-Putting yourself in someone else's shoes shows a totally new perspective. Too often we choose to live in our egocentric point of view and don't make the effort to try and see through someone else's eyes. If we just invested a little effort to do that every so often, we would be more open-minded and not let things get to us as easily as they do when we think of just ourselves.

-In the end, the golden rule always wins. If I kept acting the way I did, assuming the worst and thus behaving accordingly, then I would miss out on the opportunity to make my life experiences more positive and probably have us both reverting back to the negativity we had in the past. And when you think about it, the reciprocation of someone treating you nicely certainly beats the reciprocation of hostility and avoidance in an environment where you need to work together on a regular basis. I guess "Treat others the way you want to be treated" doesn't earn the title of "golden rule" for nothing.

When I read these lessons, they all seem so obvious and have been told over and over again by others. But it's just so much more comprehensible when you experience it yourself. You should try it sometime.

 

08/06/14 update: There have been instances where we have both reverted back to the unpleasant relationship we had (me closing off to her or anticipating a stressful conversation when asking about a task or she expressing displeasure through body language or indirect comments), but I think this is a continual work in progress that we both have been working on. The important thing is that we both are trying harder to be better about communication than before. I do have to remind myself every now and then about how not to hold grudges and be more selfless, but it's something I will always need to keep working on in improving myself.